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Mr. Monk On The Road(excerpt very funny)

November 26, 2015

Funny Excerpt By Lee Goldberg’s Mr. Monk On The Poad

Monk with help from Natalie, his assistant get Ambrose Monk, Adrian’s agoraphobic older brother, on a vacation in an RV. At one campsite their neighbors were playing loud hard rap music. Natalie is cozy in bed when Monk stand over her bed. “You have to go over there and tell them to turn down their music.” “I’m in bed. Why don’t you do it?” “Because you’re down with those dudes. You speak their funky jive. I don’t.”

Both Natalie and Monk go to confront three old women. They agree to turn down the music and offer refreshments, including brownies loaded with “pot.” Monk returned ASAP to his camper but Natalie talked with the sweet old women. She had a brownie and thought she got rid of all evidence because she knew Monk would freak.

 Monk shook Natalie awake at two a.m. wearing yellow dish gloves and shining a flashlight in her face. “What’s the emergency?” “You’re a drunk and a junkie.” “What are you talking about, Mr. Monk?” “You boozed it up yesterday, and what did it lead to?” Monk held up his gloves which had tiny brown crumbs in them. “These. I found these in your jacket pocket. There are more of them outside.” “You went through my pockets?” “Do you know what these are?” “Crumbs.” Natalie laid back down only to be prodded once again. “There’s marijuana in these crumbs” “Is that why you’re wearing gloves?” ” I don’t want to get high Natalie.” “You can’t get high from holding crumbs from a marijuana brownie.” “So, now you’re a drug expert? I’m here to scare you straight, sister.” “Sister?” “This is how it starts. First booze and weed, and then one morning you wake up and you’re one of those women in those rap songs we heard tonight.” “I’m Liil’ Kim?” “Wake up and smell the random drug test.” “You want me to pee in a cup?” “Hell, No.” “So, what random drug test do you have in mind?” Monk looked at Natalie for a long minute. “Count back from 2,888,888 to zero.” “I had one bite, and through the rest away Mr. Monk.” “What if some chipmonk gets his paws on it tonight? He could eat it and become deranged.” “Good night, Mr. Monk.” “If we wake up tomorrow and find out that some child has been attacked by a pothead chipmonk, you will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.” Natalie snatches the flashlight from Monk. “Go To Bed, Mr. Monk.” He stood there hovering over Natalie.”Natalie are you going to give me back my flashlight?” “No.” “But it’s dark.” That’s because it’s night.” “How am I supposed to get back to my bed?” “Keep walking until you hit something. That will be your bed.” “What if I have to get up in the middle of the night?” :You already have.” “Is that the best shot you got? Don’t make me laugh. No one suffers like I do. No one. I can do it in my sleep.” “Goo then you have no problem, Mr. Monk.” Monk knew he was trumped but he remained standing over Natalie. “Mr. Monk if you don’t move in four seconds, I’m taking off my top.” Monk scampered back to his bed. “You’re mean, when your stoned.”

 ***excerpt from Lee Goldberg’s novel MR MONK ON THE ROAD, Copyright (c) 2010 Monk (c)  Universal Network Television LLC. Licensed by NBC Universal, an Obsidian(Penguin Group) Book

           

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