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Mr. Monk On The Road(excerpt very funny)

Source: Mr. Monk On The Road(excerpt very funny)

Mr. Monk On The Road(excerpt very funny)

Funny Excerpt By Lee Goldberg’s Mr. Monk On The Poad

Monk with help from Natalie, his assistant get Ambrose Monk, Adrian’s agoraphobic older brother, on a vacation in an RV. At one campsite their neighbors were playing loud hard rap music. Natalie is cozy in bed when Monk stand over her bed. “You have to go over there and tell them to turn down their music.” “I’m in bed. Why don’t you do it?” “Because you’re down with those dudes. You speak their funky jive. I don’t.”

Both Natalie and Monk go to confront three old women. They agree to turn down the music and offer refreshments, including brownies loaded with “pot.” Monk returned ASAP to his camper but Natalie talked with the sweet old women. She had a brownie and thought she got rid of all evidence because she knew Monk would freak.

 Monk shook Natalie awake at two a.m. wearing yellow dish gloves and shining a flashlight in her face. “What’s the emergency?” “You’re a drunk and a junkie.” “What are you talking about, Mr. Monk?” “You boozed it up yesterday, and what did it lead to?” Monk held up his gloves which had tiny brown crumbs in them. “These. I found these in your jacket pocket. There are more of them outside.” “You went through my pockets?” “Do you know what these are?” “Crumbs.” Natalie laid back down only to be prodded once again. “There’s marijuana in these crumbs” “Is that why you’re wearing gloves?” ” I don’t want to get high Natalie.” “You can’t get high from holding crumbs from a marijuana brownie.” “So, now you’re a drug expert? I’m here to scare you straight, sister.” “Sister?” “This is how it starts. First booze and weed, and then one morning you wake up and you’re one of those women in those rap songs we heard tonight.” “I’m Liil’ Kim?” “Wake up and smell the random drug test.” “You want me to pee in a cup?” “Hell, No.” “So, what random drug test do you have in mind?” Monk looked at Natalie for a long minute. “Count back from 2,888,888 to zero.” “I had one bite, and through the rest away Mr. Monk.” “What if some chipmonk gets his paws on it tonight? He could eat it and become deranged.” “Good night, Mr. Monk.” “If we wake up tomorrow and find out that some child has been attacked by a pothead chipmonk, you will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.” Natalie snatches the flashlight from Monk. “Go To Bed, Mr. Monk.” He stood there hovering over Natalie.”Natalie are you going to give me back my flashlight?” “No.” “But it’s dark.” That’s because it’s night.” “How am I supposed to get back to my bed?” “Keep walking until you hit something. That will be your bed.” “What if I have to get up in the middle of the night?” :You already have.” “Is that the best shot you got? Don’t make me laugh. No one suffers like I do. No one. I can do it in my sleep.” “Goo then you have no problem, Mr. Monk.” Monk knew he was trumped but he remained standing over Natalie. “Mr. Monk if you don’t move in four seconds, I’m taking off my top.” Monk scampered back to his bed. “You’re mean, when your stoned.”

 ***excerpt from Lee Goldberg’s novel MR MONK ON THE ROAD, Copyright (c) 2010 Monk (c)  Universal Network Television LLC. Licensed by NBC Universal, an Obsidian(Penguin Group) Book

           

Congress Is Now Mostly A Millionaires’ Club

Thank you for this blog, my friend! Our elected officials are supposed to be working for us. Instead, Congress has become a bloated, corrupt, self-serving entity. This is why our country will not waver from “Trickle Down” Economics; by granting tax breaks and incentives to the wealthy, the middle class and lower class will also benefit. This is why U.S. based companies are allowed to outsource jobs to third-world countries. This is why there are no tax brackets. I love this country. However, it seems our democracy is quickly evolving into an oligarchy…a rule of the few…

TIME

Congress is loaded, if you weren’t already aware.

The Center for Responsive Politics analyzed the personal financial disclosure data from 2012 of the 534 current members of Congress and found that, for the first time, more than half had an average net worth of $1 million or more: 268 to be exact, up from 257 the year earlier. The median for congressional Democrats was $1.04 million and, for Republicans, $1 million even.

To calculate the net worth of lawmakers, the Center added together members’ significant assets, such as corporate bonds and stocks, then subtracted major liabilities such as loans, credit card debt and property mortgages.

Here’s the breakdown: the median net worth for all House members was $896,000 (Democrats averaged $929,000 to Republicans’ $884,000) and, for Senators, $2.5 million. The median net worth for Senate Democrats was $1.7 million, down from $2.4 million in 2011; for Republicans: $2.9 million…

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How to Pray

You don’t have to be on your knees to pray. And you don’t need to be in a church to pray. God doesn’t care where you pray. God does, however,  “like” when you pray. Let me digress and ask, “What does it mean to pray?” “What is prayer?” I believe to pray, is to speak to God. The opposite of prayer is meditation. Meditation is listening to God.

I believe we can ask for as much as we can think of while praying. But it appears that not all of our prayers can be answered. However, I believe God hears all our prayers. I also believe that the shorter, more succinct our prayers that better. But effective prayer is something else.

Many people, including myself, will pray like a robot, just going through the motions. It is very easy to learn bad habits praying. If you have ever been a member of a church(or still are), you probably have prayed to a “Response Prayer.” A “Response Prayer” is a prayer usually begun by the preacher(alone) then the congregation responses in unison. I often said the words in a flat, robotic way. I believe most other members unknowingly did the same. Praying like this ineffective and a waste of time. Prayer to be effective has to come from the very depths of your heart and soul. I still catch myself, from time to time, and stop. I won’t pray if I am in a hurry or if my mind is elsewhere.

I pray when at peace in a quiet place(a place where I won’t be interrupted). I then pray from the heart. I try to always remember to keep it short. Sometimes I will write out my prayers. I want to make sure I include particular loved ones, friends, pets, etc. I have found that prayer is more effective when voiced aloud. So, there you have my winning formula for prayer.

My last  piece of prayer advice is there is power in numbers! This is the real reason why organized religions began. But the other people praying with you must do so from the heart. Even one or two people can make prayer much more effective! God Bless you and yours!

Sasquatch Sensitivity Theory

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driftwoodms14

I believe in Sasquatch. I came to believe after years of researching the subject and common sense. That is for another day. Today, I want to discuss my “Sasquatch Sensitivity Theory.”

Sasquatch is more than an unknown primate species. Sasquatch AKA Bigfoot is a spiritual entity. I believe these spiritual entities are protectors of ancient mountains and ancient forests. I believe that Sasquatch possess senses we will never truly understand. What do I mean? You know how pets and wild animals are said to have a sixth sense? Okay, it’s my belief that Sasquatch possess a sixth sense, seventh sense, etc.

Now, you are in the forest or mountains hiking, camping, or doing Sasquatch research. It is my belief that people who are considered kind, caring, creative, considerate, right-brained,  etc will have a better chance of a Sasquatch encounter. Therefore, individuals considered to be cold, calculating, logical and  left-brained,  will have a…

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Sasquatch Sensitivity Theory

Female Sasquatch

I believe in Sasquatch. I came to believe after years of researching the subject and common sense. That is for another day. Today, I want to discuss my “Sasquatch Sensitivity Theory.”

Sasquatch is more than an unknown primate species. Sasquatch AKA Bigfoot is a spiritual entity. I believe these spiritual entities are protectors of ancient mountains and ancient forests. I believe that Sasquatch possess senses we will never truly understand. What do I mean? You know how pets and wild animals are said to have a sixth sense? Okay, it’s my belief that Sasquatch possess a sixth sense, seventh sense, etc.

Now, you are in the forest or mountains hiking, camping, or doing Sasquatch research. It is my belief that people who are considered kind, caring, creative, considerate, right-brained,  etc will have a better chance of a Sasquatch encounter. Therefore, individuals considered to be cold, calculating, logical and  left-brained,  will have a far more difficult time encountering a Sasquatch.

Everything has energy. We, humans give off energy. Sasquatch can read our energy. Thus, a man considered extremely nice would be disarming to a Sasquatch. However, a person known to be cold and logical would alarm a Sasquatch. This is my “Sasquatch Sensitivity Theory” in a nutshell. It applies whether you are a Sasquatch researcher, hiker, camper, policeman, poet, ranger, etc. If you are a Sasquatch researcher, you may have noticed that some researchers are like Sasquatch magnets. I have spoken to some members of the BFRO, The Bigfoot Research Organization. Some think I’m on to something, others are indifferent, others aren’t buying it.

Please let me know what you think. If you think I’m a nut case let me know. If you think I’m on to something let me known. Thanks for your time!

Jesus was not Born in a Manger

Christmas is upon us. I love Christmas. I love playing and singing Christmas hymns and songs. But I do not believe baby Jesus was born in a lowly manger. I believe Jesus was born in a warm home. I confess, as a child, I was taught that Jesus was born of Mary in Bethlehem in a manger on Christmas. Also at the Christ’s birth was Mary’s fiance, Joseph, shepherds, sheep, other animals, and three wise men.

I believe the “Manger” is a beautiful story. However, logic and common sense tell a different story. Firstly, Joseph was not just a carpenter, he did custom work for wealthy patrons. Assuming this is true, why would Joseph and Mary choose to bring Jesus into the world in a cold, lowly stable. No. Jesus was born in a warm home.

Some of you may argue that Joseph was told by an angel to flee because King Herod intended to kill baby Jesus. An angel did warn Joseph of Herod’s intent “after Jesus was born.” The angel told Joseph to flee with Mary and Jesus to Egypt until Herod was dead. Joseph fled to Egypt with Mary and the “Messiah.”

According to only the Gospel of Matthew, King Herod orders the slaughter of all baby boys two years old and younger in Bethlehem and its neighbors.  Why is this “Massacre of the innocents” not reported outside of the Gospel of Matthew? I do not believe Herod ordered such a slaughter. Most historians do not believe Herod ordered this slaughter.

King Herod was a ruthless man who would do anything to maintain his power. In fact, Herod had his sons killed. Many historians believe the “Massacre of the Innocents” may have had its origins in Herod’s murder of his sons. There is another fact that undermines the story: at the time of Jesus’ birth the population of Bethlehem was 1,000. This suggests that about 20 children would have been killed.

Does it really matter where Jesus was born? Not to me. I love Christmas. I love God and Jesus Christ. I love praising God and Christ through song…even the ones about mangers and wise men. Merry Christmas.

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